I received an offensive letter from my cousin, who, since he cannot justify himself and feels stricken by the truth I stated, gave me a nip. I suffer, not so much on account of the offense as because in him I find once again the old Giuseppe, as I have known him for twenty-five years. Neither Satan nor God has changed him. This judgment, if he were to read it, would make him fall into a frenzy. For he is convinced he is perfection.... And that poor unfortunate does not know that my judgment is the last one to come down! Even after the Lord’s severe words for them77 to censure their way of acting, I continued to love them with painful, but always true affection. The branches of this plant of affection have fallen one by one under the systematic hatchet blows of their deceitful, strange behavior - selfish and wicked in my regard - and now the plant is dead, having also become like the petrified ones Jesus spoke about.
Did I suffer? Yes. I also wept. But I decided not to respond in like manner. Do not say that I act this way out of virtue. It is simply because I have reached that point of nausea and weariness which impedes every stimulus to appetite or movement. In my personal state, is this a disturbance? Very much so. For my poor body, already tortured, and even more for the superior part, which does not get upset - that would be an exaggeration - but is ruffled by the blows of wickedness. But I repeat what I previously said: even if this affection dies, all the better.
I now live only for supernatural love, and I love relatives, friends, or simply my fellows, breaking against my bed like a wave, only for their souls, and my only concern is to provide assistance to these souls. Everything else - faces, actions, clothing, comforts, or material indigence - is canceled out for me. I see and hear souls. Only souls. And this, too, is suffering. That is why I said to you this morning, “I told Jesus that if I am an obstacle for souls to drink at your fount, take away the obstacle by taking away my life.” Why, of course! It would be so beautiful to depart and leave the reservoirs open which Jesus has given for all and which lie there stagnant, without the thirsty drinking from them.
How thirsty I am for souls! For there are so many dead ones, but also very many who are thirsty.... And Jesus makes me understand this. And they are not just the souls of people who know about the spokesman and the dictated work, but also souls enclosed in beings who know nothing about this and who, burdened with their sorrows, nevertheless go in search of the word which would be their Cyrenean....78
77 See notes 44, 45, and 71.
78 We pass over about fourteen handwritten pages containing the episode “Jesus Talks about Hope” from The Second Year of the Public Life.