January 26, 1945prev home
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8 p.m.
I was so terrified by the apparition of the devil that if the curfew had not been imposed, I would have had you called.8 A real devil, with no camouflage whatsoever - that is, a tall, tenuous, smoky personage with a low, narrow brow, a pointed face, deep eyes, and such a wicked, sarcastic, and false way of looking that I was on the verge of crying out for help.
I was praying, in the darkness of my room, while Marta9 was in the kitchen, and I was praying precisely to the Immaculate Heart of Mary, when he appeared to me next to the closed door. Dark in the darkness, and yet I saw all the details of his body, naked and ugly, not because of a deformity, but because of a kind of fierceness and snakiness gleaming from each of his members. I did not see horns or a tail or a forked foot or wings, as he is generally depicted. But all of his monstrousness was in his expression. To say what he was I would have to say “Falsehood,” “Sarcasm,” “Ferocity,” “Hatred,” and “Lurking.” This was what his deceitful, wicked expression conveyed. He was mocking and insulting me. But he did not dare to come closer. He was there, nailed in place next to the door. He stayed there for a good ten minutes and then went away. But I was at one and the same time in a hot and cold sweat.
In a state of dismay, as I wondered what the reason was for that visit, Jesus said, “Because you had rejected him so harshly in his main element.” (While I prayed to Mary, there had insistently come back to me the... I don’t know what to call it, since it is not a voice or an idea or a mind, and yet it is something saying, “If you had not been here, something would have happened. By your merit it did not happen. Because you are loved so much by God.” I don’t know if I am acting rightly or wrongly, but I think I am acting properly; when I hear this, I say, “Depart, Satan. Don’t tempt me. For if it is Jesus who is saying this, I’ll accept it. But no one else should say so to provoke self-satisfaction in me.”) Jesus then said:
“Because you had rejected him so harshly in his main element: pride. Oh, if he were able to cause you to fall into that!
“Did you see him clearly? Didn’t you notice the way his appearance - I would say his sovereignty or paternity - surfaces and emerges from those who serve him even temporarily? Don’t look to see if he was visible to you in a person with the repulsive appearance of a filthy, lascivious animal, a monster swollen with the ferment and leaven of lust. This is because that poor creature is a dunghill of many vices and sins, but the carnal ones are the greatest there. Think of all those who have made you wince and suffer in other ways, those who, perhaps for an hour, have been Satan’s tools to torment a faithful soul, occasion it pain, and bring it to desolation. While wounding, didn’t they have the same expression of cruel spitefulness which you saw to be perfect in him? Oh, he shines through in his servants!
“But do not be afraid. He can do you no harm if you remain with Me and Mary. He hates you. Oh, measurelessly! But he is powerless to harm you. If you do not want your soul back to give it to yourself and you leave it in the shelter of my Heart, how could he possibly do your soul harm?
“Write this and also write the other minor visions you have received. Father must know all of them, and there is a purpose in knowing them. And know that my springtime is coming. The spring I give to my beloved ones. Violets and primroses stud the meadows in the spring. Sharing in my sorrows studs the days of preparation for the Passion in my friends.
“Go in peace. I bless you - in order to finish dispelling what is left of your fear - in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.”
The Other Things I Saw Eight Days Ago at This Same Time
Jesus, burdened with an enormous cross, was heading, apparently, towards Spezia (just to give you an idea of the direction), but not by way of Fratti Street. Diagonally, following an ideal straight route from here to that point. He was wearing the short white garment used by Herod over his red robe and was walking in sadness, sweating and weeping. Yes, He was really weeping. And He was saying to me, grieved at seeing Him weep, “Do you see? The pain of the tortures is not enough.... I have others, other more intense pains. Pity Me, soul. Your Jesus is truly doubled over by a sum of excessive misfortunes.”
Later, on Sunday night - I had nearly fallen asleep while saying the rosary of the seven sorrows of Mary - the Mother roused me, weeping and saying, “Don’t sleep. Weep with me. Don’t you know they killed my Son?” Oh, how she wept while saying those words!
Whereas on Tuesday night I was seized by such sadness because I saw my mother.... I also saw her like that the first day of the year. But now she struck me as more distressed. Let me explain. On January 1 I saw her more or less as on All Saints’ Day. Dull, alone, and lost in reverie, like someone astonished to be where she is and at the same time crestfallen. She was looking at me. But still so dazed, still in that place, and still so lusterless in her color and clothing. Her eyes had a livelier expression, though, and she seemed to want to tell me something, but could not. Something involving entreaty, a request for forgiveness, and an appeal.... If I had to translate that gaze, I would have to state that she was saying to me, “Forgive me and help me. I still need you, here, too, as I needed you when I was there. Help me.... I am so alone.... I have no one but you.” And I asked, “Is this what you mean, Mother?” And she replied, “Yes, yes,” with a nod and smiled, but sadly, sadly. I wept and was left saddened as well. And she came back again. I asked, “But aren’t the suffrages enough?” and she kept replying, “Yes, yes” with a nod. But at the same time she was asking for something which I am unable to express. I said, “I love you. You know I do,” and she indicated her agreement, but still had that look. “I don’t bear any grudge, Mother, and would like you to be here still,” and she smiled, but was not happy. I suffered. I feel she is not at peace.
This is what I had to say and had never written because they struck me as exclusively personal matters and very - excessively - sad....10
8 The writer frequently mentions her spiritual director, Fr. Romualdo M. Migliorini. Biographical data on Fr. Migliorini are found at the beginning of The Notebooks. 1943, note 2.
9 Except when otherwise indicated, the name “Marta” refers to Marta Diciotti, whose biographical data are found in The Notebooks. 1943, note 13.
10 We pass over eighty-three handwritten pages, extending from January 27 to February 3, 1945, which contain eight episodes pertaining to The First Year of the Public Life.