September 5, 1949prev home
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Evening
I was so weakened by so much war and so weary and exhausted from always having to fight against the enemies of the Work - even physically exhausted - that I felt I was no longer any good at praying or generous or good for anything. And I said to Jesus.
He replied, “Have you perhaps left the way of immolation which you set out upon so many years ago? Have you perhaps repented of having asked for the cross, sacrifice, and pain, out of love for God and your neighbor? Is your state as an ever-sicker infirm person perhaps repugnant to you because you wanted it? Do you perhaps no longer believe in the power of pain for the sake of love? Do you perhaps no longer want to offer your daily holocaust? Out of lack of trust in Me, has your love in Me perhaps grown cold? Would you perhaps like to change your fate, be healed, and enjoy and live as do ninety-eight percent of human creatures. Do you perhaps no longer feel like making continuous reparation - with your continuous faithful love for Me and my Church - for all the sins which souls - especially those of priests and the consecrated - commit? Does discouragement on observing the growing tide of sins agáinst vows, the priesthood, and religion perhaps suggest to you that everything is useless and it is better not to suffer any more? Answer!”
“No, Lord. Not a bit of this. I want to suffer, now that suffering is total and totally known, as when I asked You to accept me as a host, not knowing how far pain can rise. I want to love You and suffer to give You souls and make You happy”
“And so? Do you think that mechanical prayers, like the sound of an overlysophisticated instrument, are the ones that have value for Me? Leave aside things that are Dutch metal and not gold, the moths that are not a flame, the straw fires: ash dispersed by the wind. And live on your pyre, which burns you and burns before my throne and covers the ugliness and blasphemies for Me with its harmonious blazing. It seeks to cover. For I am God and see.... But if, on seeing, I feel pain, your love consoles Me. Be at peace, at peace. It is love that counts. And you have love for Me, for Us in Heaven. You love with your whole self, with all your strength and will. You thus love in a perfect measure and make us happy Your saying, ‘I offer you my sufferings today for the intentions dearest to You’ is worth more than a thousand prayers uttered with one’s lips while there is selfishness in one’s heart.”