Another nighttime agony! Alright. Whatever God wants. But I can’t help thinking that they could let me die in peace, since I am so close to dying, out of mercy.... You know what your presence in my agonies meant.... I frankly told you about my idea of Father Mariano. I here remind you to provide, if possible, for my having a priest nearby who, by virtue of spiritual and chronological age, will be better prepared and capable of generating confidence as regards being able to act with holiness and seriousness and correctness in relation to me. You will always be my Director and the helper of the Spokesman because that is proper and willed by Jesus.202 But the “sick spokesman” is here and should be helped. And helped by someone offering reliable guarantees. Remember this.
And I am also tormented by the thought of Giuseppe, who I should write to, and I would like to be sincere, but in such a way as not to wound that soul recently born to Grace and esteem in the Church and the clergy. My Azariah helps me. You heard what I wrote: Father Migliorini has been called to the General House in Rome because of his competence as a missionary.... It is true... with the removal of what might do harm to a neo-Catholic, suitable, indeed, for making him venerate the Upper Hierarchies even more. Since the goodness of the Father General provided the occasion for robing the decision in a positive light, let us use what they give us and bless God for it, who allows us to tell the truth without wounding those just born to God.
And I am reflecting on something else. This October, when I was writing the departure of John of Endor and Syntyche,203 I said to myself, “And what does this have to do with the Gospel?” It struck me as a sweetly sad episode, able to shed light on Christian life in Antioch and on Jesus’ goodness and Syntyche’s fortitude. Now I understand. It was given for us. For me and you, being separated by human wickedness and being occasioned undeserved pain. And if you suffer what John the disciple experienced - and that is healthy - I, in my illness, must necessarily be Syntyche and say Fiat with a smile on my lips, letting my heart finish squeezing out its last drops of blood in affliction. And do so to have him depart reassured about poor, sick Maria. And do so to support Marta, who is completely unable to pluck up courage and, if I did not keep watch, would go off the path, even with those one should not accompany, mixing up the obtuse men who do evil - and who must be forgiven out of love for Jesus - with God, who never harms his children. And do so so that nothing will leak out, through our fault, and there will be no gossip and useless or wicked remarks. Well then.... I will also be Syntyche:..! Hoping that Jesus will make the promise He made to John of Endor before separating from him come true – “to assist him in agony and death, which shall be peaceful, and give him his Presence in the months of separation to support him” - I impose this pain, too, on myself with a kiss and drink this chalice as well.... And I go forward! In January Jesus had me give the Carmelites the spiritual intentions for the first four months of 1946.
January: to be the lambs of God with St. Agnes.
February: to be the contemplators of Our Lady of Lourdes with Bernadette.
March: to be in St. Joseph’s workshop to learn to build oneself the cross.
April: to be on Calvary at the foot of the Cross with St. John.
Well then, I am intent on constructing myself the cross under the teaching of St. Joseph....
I am also recalling that Jesus wanted me to copy my offerings and prayers - something I had never before been told to do.204 It struck me as so useless for others and painful for me! I would say, “Anyway, when I’m dead, Father will carry off everything and examine it....” But Jesus knew and wanted you to depart with this most intimate pages, without waiting until after my death to know about them.
I am considering so many matters...! I mean: how many things show me my Heavenly Protectors! It is as if I were looking through a very sharp microscope or telescope - or whatever! I see what escapes the human eye, and in a light which illuminates everything.
202 In the margin she later added, in minute handwriting, “Instead, from July 4, 1946 on, Jesus provided a different solution.... My note of December 9, 1947.” The new spiritual director was Father Luigi Lopalco, a Passionist.
203 An episode in the work on the Gospel.
204 On February 10, 1946.